Showing all entries for home sweet home

Jul 17, 2011

 
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FML



My week was fairly boring. You know, just normal everyday stuff, write code, cook food, swim, do laundry. But then, I don't know, maybe it was the full moon, Friday got exciting. I wake up, feed the beasts, make my latte, open my laptop, spool up my digital lifestyle, OMFG THE CRANDALL GOT ARRESTED.

So, ladies, tell me: what does your The Husband do in the middle of the night? Snore? Steal the covers? Snuggle? You poor things, how boring your lives must be. Mine heads out to roam the "neighborhood" (translation: all of greater PHX/Tempe) for "15 minutes" (translation: hours) to partake in ██████████ (<-- redacted), which may be considered an art form to you and me, but nonetheless got him charged with two misdemeanor counts of juvenile delinquency and general fuckwadary.

Don't be jealous, bitches.

He didn't get hauled off to jail, and I didn't have to bail his ass out, so clearly this was not, like, a Louboutin or Manolo level offense. But I did hit the mall with my BFF Anne the next day for some retail therapy, and came home with some beautiful shoes. And by some I mean four pair. And some other stuff. Something from Chanel. A quick trip to VS. Did you know that you can buy bras now that have the boobs already built in? You know what, let's save that one for another post...

Anyway, I get my shoes, I get my boobs Chanel, I go home. And do you know what that sweet, sweet man, that ever so loving man, that I am the center of his universe man, did for me?

He let his partner in crime wheel a Super Fucking Mario Fucking Brothers into my dining room.

FML.
 

Jul 10, 2011

 
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Houston, we have a problem


The Harem

The house we are currently living in is, by far, the largest place we've ever rented. Once upon a time we had this tiny 500 sq foot shit hole, but we moved past that, and for over a decade we hovered around the 1200 sq foot mark. You spend 10+ years with someone @ 1200 sq feet, you acquire approximately 1500 sq feet worth of crap, plus some extraneous shit you should have tossed out 3 years ago. There's some law of physics that describes it, entrohoardapy, I think?

In any case, this place is over 2000 sq feet, almost double the size of the last place. In other words, a lot of extra space. When we first got here we walked from room to room wondering: what do we do with all this space? And we agreed right then and there that buying stuff was not an option because inevitably (A) we'd have to move it and (B) we'd have to move it some place smaller, thus creating the problem of too much crap and too little space. And that's not really a problem we want to deal with.

Yeah, well... that was January. Now it's July and The Crandall has totally figured out what to do with all that space. We have gear in one room, and t-shirt stuff in a another room, and art and photo stuff over here, and wheat paste stuff over there, and careful where you walk in the backyard, and OH RIGHT, THERE'S AN ARCADE IN MY DINING ROOM.

Remember Tempest, that harlot? Yeah, she has friends now. She's lured Space Invaders, Donkey Kong and some tramp named Star Castle into her den of iniquity. And I hear Frogger is on the way.

Alas, not all is The Fault of The Crandall. Well, yes and no. No because technically only Tempest is his. Yes because he keeps wheeling arcade games through the front door. He has a partner in crime now, and they enable each other. And because I don't get all OMGWTF!?!? every time they walk through the door, I enable their enabling, which, as you can see, is turning into some exponential shit.

So what's a girl to do? Play Space Invaders, I guess...
 

Jun 27, 2011

 
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Summer Fling



Space Invaders is shacking up with us while his owner moves. *wink*
 

Jun 12, 2011

 
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Just keep swimming...


This is not my pool. My pool is surrounded by 40 year old trees that vomit teeny tiny little leaves into the water every time the wind blows. Or a bird flies by. Or you sneeze.

Yesterday, it was 103 degrees. Hello PHX. I checked the water temperature in the pool: 82 degrees. I dipped a toe in the water...yeah, I can do this. So I go inside, and put on my suit, and get my cap (because otherwise my hair will dye the pool pink), and my goggles (because otherwise the sun will burn my eyeballs), and jump in. Ok, let me rephrase that: I ease in. It took about a minute to acclimate, but the water felt good.

So, off I go. I'm about 3/4 of the way thru my first lap when I realize that the deep end, which is partially shaded in late afternoon, is approximately -273 degrees Celsius. Have you ever seen a cat jump out of water? Yeah, it was kinda like that.

Once The Crandall stopped laughing (about 13 minutes later), he informed me that if I did my swimming before 1PM, you know, when the pool is still in full sun, I'd be less likely to accidentally give myself a heart attack.

Today it is again 103. I took his advice, went for a swim around noon, and omg, I almost didn't get out. And also, omg, I am totally out of shape. Apparently, calling a 6 month wine and cheese binge "pilates for my mouth" does not qualify it as an exercise program. Which is a shame, really, cuz it sure was a lot of fun.
 

May 30, 2011

 
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The Other Woman


The Crandall has finally found his one true love...

The Crandall was very very sad when we left The Portland because he had to leave his girlfriend Tempest Machine behind. Well, it wasn't his per se, she actually lived at a place called Ground Kontrol, and while she and The Crandall didn't have an exclusive relationship, they certainly spent a lot of time together. I don't know, I think maybe he was more into her than the other way around cuz this one time she let some guy from Motorhead get all up up in her controller and The Crandall got jealous and had to run down there and wipe out Mr. Motorhead's score.

ANYWAY, as you can imagine he's suffered some horrible separation anxiety since we moved. He's been to every arcade, bowling alley, pool hall, skating rink, and possibly laser tag place, in the greater PHX area looking for a Tempest Machine to play and none are ever found. He has an extra special craigslist RSS feed set up to search a tri-planetary area. One will pop up every so often but it's either on Venus and he can't figure out how to get it home, or it's in pristine condition and the seller wants a million dollars.

And then came the rapture.

Yesterday morning: BING! craigslist alert. ONE TEMPEST MACHINE. TOTALLY WORKS. $200. Furious emailing ensued. Some guy (not from Motorhead, I don't think) was on his way to buy it when The Crandall got in touch with the seller and she says: Oh, you emailed first, I'll call the other guy and tell him not to come. Other guy was not amused.

Tempest Machine, however, was stupid excited to see The Crandall. I don't know, maybe she was overwhelmed when she realized she was no longer going to live on some old lady's porch, but instead was to live with someone who truly loved her, or maybe she's just a harlot, but when I walked in the living room to meet her, this is what I saw: The Crandall, on the floor, half in the house, half in the garage, Tempest Machine on top of him.

Me: (WTF?) Um, are you ok?
TC: I'm not sure.
Me: (WTF?)

So we dug him out (ok, he dug him out while I provided moral support) and got Tempest Machine on her feet, and pushed her into her corner, and plugged her in, and PSHEW! PSHEW! she totally works. She's a little banged up in some spots and is having trouble with the color red, but her boyfriend The Crandall downloaded all her manuals and is currently all up in her circuitry making things right. Really, it's a beautiful relationship, I hope they are happy together.
 

May 3, 2011

 
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M?wisz po polsku?



I think that means do you speak Polish?, and the obvious answer is obviously not.

My mother is Polish and this weekend is Mother's Day. Ergo, dinner. I was going to get all tarterific, but then I remembered that she's mentioned potato pancakes the last, oh every, time I've seen her, and decided to go Polish on her instead.

So she will get her sauerkraut and pierogi, potato pancakes and polish sausage, maybe even a mushroom or two, and for dessert, plum cake and kolaczki, which are little fruity cookie things for those of you who never had a Polish friend.

Today I made the pierogi, and did a trial run on the rye bread. My grandfather used to buy the same rye bread, from the same bakery, every day after work for probably 20+ years. It was this big, brown, round, wonderful loaf, and honestly, I never thought of is as rye bread because growing up we just called it round bread.

This morning I was thisclose to calling my friend Wade and asking him to run over to Anne's Bakery on Chicago & Leavitt, home of the round bread, and fedex me a couple loaves. But then I started to think about time and shipping and how this could quickly turn into the $50 loaf of bread, so I went with this instead.

I used barley malt syrup and arrowhead mills rye flour, which wasn't designated light, medium or dark, just rye. As for changes, I used bread flour in place of AP, and added 1 TBSP of vital wheat gluten. After the initial rise, I formed the dough into one round loaf (instead of two) and let rise in a brotform for another 30 minutes. Seriously, it turned out awesome. I've already eaten like half of it. I am soooo not exaggerating.
 

Mar 27, 2011

 
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It's just a flesh wound



You know your party is on track to be a smashing success when your first order of business is to slice your thumb open with a serrated knife and nearly bleed out into a dish towel. Fear not, it was nothing that couldn't be solved with a Hello Kitty band aid and some ibuprofen. (Who am I kidding, that came latter, I conquered the pain with more vino.)

Also, when you can crack the crowd up with a joke involving gold pressed latinum, you know you have a good group of people in your house.

In any case, as expected, Anne made the evening perfect with her beautiful flowers.



 

Mar 25, 2011

 
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Party Time



We've been here 3 months and are finally getting around to having a housewarming party. My friend Anne is gonna flower the place up; I can't wait to see what she does with it. Assuming we don't get too drunk on The Crandall's Mai Crais, maybe someone will remember to take pix.

On the menu:

asparagus tart
roasted garlic hummus with pita & veggies
crostini with goat cheese, fig jam, and caramelized onions
spinach parmesan dip
garlic crackers with ricotta & black pepper
cheese & olive plate

So the baking is done, all I have left is the dip, tomorrow I make the tart, then tart myself up and invite people in! Then for the next 3 weeks I will eat leftovers, because as usual, I made enough to feed a small army.
 

Mar 22, 2011

 
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How does your garden (not) grow?



I didn't have a garden last year because we lived in Mordor and The Great Eye did not allow it. I didn't have a garden the year before because we lived in an apartment in Portland and my "backyard" consisted of a concrete porch. But the year before that? I HAD A GARDEN. A huge garden. I grew beans and potatoes and carrots and onions and peppers and eggplant and lettuce and herbs, and garlic so awesome it turned me into a raging garlic snob. And tomatoes. Pounds and pounds and pounds of tomatoes. Like, nearly 80.

Sure, there were some failures. Like that one mutant tomato plant that only gave up about 6 tomatoes the size of my head. Or the shallots that did all kinds of growing above ground, but none beneath it. But overall there were more successes...and LOTS of canning. And by the end of the year I had visions of someday owning a little organic farm - that I planned to call Schrodinger's, because all of gardening is a wave function.

Well let me tell you, this year, my waves be collapsing - and not in any way that is making me happy. I did my planting just a little more than two weeks ago and I've thus far lost my lavender and spearmint, the tomatoes just look sad, and I killed a marigold. A marigold! I didn't even know that was possible.

When it comes to gardening, I've always said you learn more from failure than from success, and I think it's safe to say that it looks like I'm going to do a lot of learning this year.

ON THE UPSIDE (always gotta look for the positive...) that tree in the backyard is indeed fig, it is in bloom, and it smells fantastic. So keep your fingers crossed that there might be some fig jam in your future.
 

Mar 6, 2011

 
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I can haz garden? (and a backache?)



I normally start my own veggies from seed, but with the move, and this being my first garden in AZ, I went with starters this year. It really didn't look like all that much when I got back from the nursery yesterday, but holy crap, 11 pots later I've got a lot of stuff out there. 2 types of onions, 3 different peppers, roma, beefsteak and cherry tomatoes, a variety of herbs...and I haven't even got to the beans and potatoes yet!



 
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